Annoyed

I'm really cranky and so this is probably bothering me when it shouldn't; I'm trying to relax, I'm watching TV, and John tells me the lightening outside is really cool. He says I should go out and see it. I say yeah, great. He goes and sits outside, then a bit later opens the door and tells me again how cool it is, and I should really come outside and look. I say; Ok, I will when I'm ready. Quit pushing me.

A short while later I go out. He's sitting in the only chair. I stand there a bit, watch. It's lightening. He doesn't say anything. I go back inside.

He comes in a short while later and says I should have stayed out longer. 

Why? I ask.

So you could see the lightening.

I did see the lightening.

Yeah, but you didn't see what I saw - 

And he proceeds to describe the fabulous lightening to me.

I'm irritated by this entire interaction and part if it is that he keeps talking about it!

You see, there was a monsoon storm the other night, it was late - 11:30 maybe - I was the only one up. I turned out the porch light and sat outside to watch it. It was beautiful. I didn't feel the need to discuss this or share it with anyone. I'm only mentioning it now because it's relevant to my feelings tonight. Because I would bet money that he's going to post on Facebook about the amazing lightening he saw, and how he sat outside and watched it. Because he's just so cool. And I'm sure he's going to go to work tomorrow and tell his coworkers about it. He'll probably mention it to my mom when he sees her. He'll probably tell my sister about it this weekend when we see her.

Why does this bother me? I don't know. I think it's because there are people who do things to do them, and there are people who do things so that they can tell other people about what they did and show off how cool (or tough, or badass, or whatever) they are. And those people really annoy me.

Don't go watch a lightening storm just so you can tell people you did it. Don't swim with sharks, skydive, have a picnic in a cemetery, etc., because you think it will impress people; do those things because you want to do them. And when you do, don't go around bragging about it. It's sad and ridiculous and annoying.

If it turns out he doesn't mention this on Facebook or to others I will so take it all back. I'll give him a freaking (bleep) and he'll be surprised and thrilled because it's been a while. He won't know why he's suddenly being treated, and I'll just let him wonder. After more than 10 years of marriage though, I'm pretty sure I know him well enough to say I'm not going to have to do the deed.

We'll see.

I wish I could just get over myself. Why let it get to me at all? I don't know. I get that our experiences are meant to be shared, that's what friendship is. It's not that I don't want to talk to my husband about things we've done and seen. It's the motivation that just gets to me.  The motive is the important thing.

It's like one of my high school boyfriends who told me he stopped listening to Nirvana because they got popular. I could not wrap my mind around that! The music didn't change. Their popularity didn't change the music they'd already made. I thought it was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard and it was a definite factor in our breaking up. Because it's not that he didn't like them - that's all preference and opinion. It's WHY he decided not to like them.

The motive is everything.

I do not get paid enough...

I have a part-time job, in addition to my full-time one.  In my pt job I work as an "assistant" for a woman who has her own business.  It's actually the mom of a friend that I no longer hang out with, and I've been working for her for 13+ years now.  She's an expert witness and I do spreadsheets for her, and billing, and reports.  Mostly she prepares the reports, which are intended to be court documents, and I format them, spell check, grammar check, etc.  I make sure they're professional and accurate, to the best of my ability.

She's sometimes a beast to work for, and I generally put up with it, but lately I've about had it.

Some examples;

She fights with her daughter a lot (the one I was friends with, who introduced us) and one time I was trying to call my boss to get some clarification on some work she had sent me, and about 3x in a row she screamed at me over the phone and hung up on me.  She thought I was her daughter.  I don't know why - I called her cell and my name and number should have come up and made it clear who it was.  I wondered what would happen if an attorney called her at that moment, would she scream and hang up on that person too?  Wouldn't that do wonders for her reputation?

Another time she went out of town, she had me come to her house while she was gone to do some work (this is before I got set up to work remotely and had to go to her house each time). She gave me the garage door opener to get in, and we talked about her paying me for hours.  She left me a blank check, and told me after I worked that last day to fill it in and then let her now how much it was for.  At that time she was paying me weekly.  I worked 3 hours or something, calculated the time for the week, wrote out the check and left her a photocopy.  When she got back she was so angry with me, told me I didn't have the right to do that, that I should have checked with her first, blah blah blah. I was livid.  I felt like I was being accused of stealing from her, when all I'd done was what she asked.  I told her this, and I asked her; Why did you leave me a signed, blank check then?  She had no explanation.  It was humiliating and infuriating and I let it go.  Because the work is easy, it's not a lot of hours, the hours are flexible and the money is good.

I mentioned how she used to pay me weekly?  Since I started working remotely I've frequently gone months without being paid.  And I do her billing, so one time I must have entered payments in Quickbooks for amounts totaling over $15,000.  I'm not joking.  And yet my bill for like $700 for 2 mths of work was still not paid.  I only entered record of the payments, these were checks already deposited, and yet my measly $700 was well past due.

Recently we were scheduled to work Tuesday/Thursday of the next week.  She apparently emailed me on Sunday and asked if I could work Monday instead.  I didn't check my email over the weekend so I never saw this.  I have a toddler and a life, and we happened to have a busy weekend.  She then proceeded to email me work on Monday, even though she had not heard from me about working that day.  Sometime Monday afternoon she called me, I couldn't answer so she got my voicemail and when I listened to it, I was surprised; She was worried that it was 3 pm and she hadn't heard from me and hadn't gotten any work back yet.  She wanted to know, didn't I get her email from Sunday?  No, I hadn't.  I emailed her back, because I was busy with my FT job and couldn't call. I let her know I had not gotten her email, that I couldn't work that day, so sorry.  I also suggest that if she needs to change something that she call me to confirm if she doesn't hear from me, because I don't always check email if I'm not working.  She calls me later that night, 5:30 or so, again wondering why I haven't sent her any work.  I tell her I'm sorry, that I emailed her and let her know I couldn't work, and that I never got her email Sunday about changing the day.   She's totally upset and I again suggest that she call me next time.  She asks me if I couldn't just be sure to check email on Sundays.  What?  I'm not On Call for you lady, and I don't work on Sunday.  If you have something urgent, YOU contact ME.  That's how it works!  You don't just email and then get mad at me for not seeing it.

It'd almost be funny except this is the 2nd time she's done this to me.  She emailed me about something else that was "urgent" and apparently I failed her by not checking my email.  I got an earful and I told her - if it's urgent you should CALL ME.  Don't rely on email!  Who does that?  It's not professional and it's certainly not my fault if you don't.

Now the latest; she asked me to print an invoice for her, and she also asked me to print some records.  This was Tuesday.  I went on her computer through a remote connection and printed 1 file, then she said she was ok.  The issue was she got a new printer and her default was still set to the old one, so I just selected the new one from the drop-down and there you go.  She emailed me and said she was able to print "everything" and was all set.  I thought this meant the invoice too.

Yesterday I find out she still needs the invoice.  I meant to go on and print it for her but the day got away from me.  That is my fault, I take responsibility for that.  But today I get an email reprimand saying I totally messed her up by not printing that; that she couldn't buy a plane ticket because she didn't have the invoice and therefore wasn't able to pick up a check.

OK - here's the thing.  Yes, it's my fault I forgot to print it for you yesterday.  However; if it was URGENT - there's that word again - WHY for crying out loud did you not call me?  One phone call and I would have said, Oops, I forgot, so sorry, let me get that for you right now!  Problems all avoided!  And really, you can't buy a plane ticket without that money?  You can't afford, with the $10-15,000 or so in payments you get every month, to purchase a plane ticket and get the money the next day? 

I will take some of that blame as I did forget, but I will not take all of it.  It's her business, if she needs something and it's so damn important, she needs to follow-up and take care of it.  That's on her.

I make good money but it's starting to feel like it's not enough.  I'm thinking it's a good time to increase my hourly rate.  Somehow though, I feel like she may not agree.  I'll give it another week.  Then hit her up.  I put up with a lot of crap that most people would not put up with, including not being paid on time, or being paid but asked to "hold" the check for a few days, or a week.  I also constantly rearrange my schedule so we can work.  I try to get work done during the day but if I'm too busy, I wind up working until 9pm at night for her.  When she has urgent issues and does manage to call me, I will accommodate her.  I will do stuff last minute.  I will stop what I'm doing and go on my computer and help her with whatever it is she needs right that second.

I'd just like to be treated professionally.  I don't think it's too much to ask.

Little Credibility

For whatever reason that I can't figure out, because 99.9% of the time I'm right about stuff, I have very little credibility with my husband. It's one of the most frustrating things in my existence.

I've been telling him for weeks, for example, that yelling angrily at our Little when she hits will not be effective. He still does it. I confirmed with my friend who has a master's degree in education that this tactic is sure to fail. I try to explain this to him the next time she has hit him in the face while getting her diaper changed and he's yelled at her, "No! Stop it!", and I get the eyes glazing over because He's not really listening to me, I'm just nagging him response.

Today, I go to make a latte and have to confess to him that I broke one of the espresso glasses. There's some silly banter that results, with accusations and threats and old, broken things resurrected from the past, and there's an awkward undercurrent of anger there too. I don't think it's related to the broken glass, I think it's his repressed feelings but I can't get him to talk about them so that's another issue.

I use a small, oven-safe type glass dish for my espresso, and when he goes to make his latte, he pulls out a thin shot glass.

"I don't think that's safe", I say, " it should be tempered glass. You need a thicker one at least."

"It's not *that* hot."

"If you spilled it on yourself would it burn you?" 

Silence, except for the sound of him digging through more shot glasses. He picks another, one I got at a Sake tasting, made for cold sakes and even thinner than the first.

"No, that's worse, it's even thinner. You need a thick one," I say.

"I'm sure it's fine," but he puts it back and keeps digging.

"If it shatters and glass shards go all over it's going to be a problem."

He scowls at me. "I hardly think that would happen."

"When you put hot liquid in glass it can shatter, that's why you have to heat up the jars before you pour hot jam into them. Just use this," and I hand him the baking dish I had just used and already washed.

He scowls some more.

"Do I need to look it up on the Internet to prove this to you or will you just believe me?" And I add, 'for once', in my head.

"I'm sure it'd be fine," he says again, but puts the shot glasses away and uses the dish I gave him.

Why does this bother me so much? Part of me thinks I shouldn't care. I know I'm right, I'm confident in myself and don't need his validation. Then the other part of me says, the one person I should be able to rely on to not dismiss me, to believe in me, is my husband. Right? That's just not the relationship we have though. And admittedly, I'm the same way. Though when I dismiss or disbelieve him, it's based on facts, not just my own "feelings" or opinions.  It's because he's just outright wrong. There is a difference. Isn't there? 

As for the person I can rely on to always believe me? To bolster me, to raise me up and not dismiss me? That would be my mom. That's what moms are for. I suppose I should stop looking for that in my husband and just be grateful for the gift that he is, flaws and all.

Head. Hurts.

I have had a headache off and on for 3 days now. I'm not sure if it's stress or what the cause is. I wondered if perhaps my mate had bought decaf coffee beans as some sort of cruel joke, but since he always refers to decaf coffee as "useless brown water", I doubt that's the case.

I wake up with it, it's a pounding sort of headache that gets worse when I move, but sort of subsides in the background after a bit, only to pop up again when I stand, sit, turn my head, etc.  I'm not happy.

I've missed 2 workouts this week and I'm feeling a big guilty. I'm off the fitness wagon, so to speak. And I've been fighting sugar cravings like a toddler ninja; in other words, not very successfully.   It didn't help that I ate 2 pints of Haagen Das a few weeks ago.  That was a bad idea. (But they were my favorite flavors! On sale!)  That sort of opened the door and wow is that sucker hard to shut!

Bad habits.

I'm supposed to workout tonight but if this headache doesn't go away, that's not going to happen. I suppose I should take something for it and quit bitching.

I'm on the tail end of my menstrual cycle. Related? Heck if I know. I watched Frozen for the first time the other day and cried my eyes out. Twice. That would cause a headache but that was not today.

Crap. I think I may be starting a migraine aura.

I need chocolate.

Bad habits.

July 2014

Hard to believe so much time has passed.  I wish I could just "think" my blog posts. So often I have fabulous ideas for what to write about while lying in bed, waiting for sleep to come, but I'm too lazy to get up and write so I just think about them. I will write entire blog posts in my head, but of course they don't show up here and by the next day, I've forgotten the whole thing. If I could think them onto the computer, I'd have a lot more posts here.

My little girl is 19 mths old. Hard to believe! She's a little girl now, she's no longer a baby. She's got attitude and sass and is a delight every day of her existence. I am so enamored with her. She's got white blonde hair and blue eyes, and she looks just like me. She's my Mini Me. Even some of her expressions are mine.

J tries to say she has his eyes but it's simply not true. His eyes are green-blue, and sort of deep set, a bit like Nicholas Cage or Judd Nelson, in case you need a reference to picture this. Hers are not deep set, and they are a dark blue, almost the color of denim. They're quite beautiful. I was hoping they wouldn't change color and they haven't.

I was reading through old posts today and saw the one where I wanted to open a Stasis store, and how I wanted to go into stasis and wake up skinny. That didn't happen of course, but I have been working hard over the past 6.5 mths and since January I am down 40+ lbs and many inches. I'm about a sz 12, a very fit sz 12. And this is on top of the 50 lbs I lost during and just after pregnancy so really I'm down about 90 lbs. total. Crazy, right? I was so extremely overweight when I got pregnant that when I dropped weight during my pregnancy it wasn't a concern. I had a lot of issues with first morning sickness and later heartburn that I just didn't eat well. Then breastfeeding, that's a miracle. The weight practically melts off, though only to a point.

I saw a friend over the weekend that I hadn't seen since December and not only was I happy to display myself in a swimsuit in front of other people at her house, many of whom I did not know, I think I might have even been one of the thinnest people there! And that is a very new feeling for me! It. Was. Awesome. Though all night all anyone wanted to talk to me about was diet, exercise and weight loss. It did get old after a while. No, really! It did! Had they just wanted to tell me how skinny I look all night, well that never gets old, but they wanted to talk about HOW I got so skinny.  ;)

In August I have a company meeting with our home office staff that I have to travel to and I'm so incredibly excited to go because they saw me last at my heaviest. So now, 90 lbs down, they're not going to recognize me. That is going to be flipping amazing. I'll have to gear up for another barrage of "How did you do it?" questions, because I know it's coming. Diet and exercise. I did it the right way. Well, and pregnancy, but that wasn't on purpose!

The breastfeeding; that never did work out. I still have guilt feelings and feelings of loss about that, but I did the best I could, which was to pump instead. I pumped breast milk for my baby for 9 months. My good friend, who is still breastfeeding her 1 yr old, said that was even more valiant because in pumping is actually harder. It takes twice as long because in breastfeeding, you just do a feeding and you're done. With pumping, you have to pump, then do the feeding. Plus you have bottles to clean and refrigerate and heat, it's a lot more work. It was worth it. I wanted my baby to have the benefits of the breast milk, even if I couldn't feed her directly from my breasts. I do wish sometimes that I'd gone to some Leche League meetings, and gotten more help. Even after she was months old, I could possibly have tried again and gotten her back on the breast successfully. At the time though, I was afraid and it seemed so stressful. I felt rejected by her the first time around, I didn't think I could handle feeling like that again. I do know now that a huge part of that was simply PPD (post-partum depression), the anxiety and worry and feeling like she didn't want me or that I wasn't a good mother, that was all made much better by anti-depressants. These days I watch my friends breast feed their babies and I get kind of sad and just wish... I just wish I'd done things differently.

Doesn't matter though - I have a gorgeous child, who is healthy and happy and likes to hit our dog with things - in other words, who is totally normal, and I'm happy. I am happy every day, even if not all day.

I'm blessed.  Here, you can see why.

Baby blues

Last month I had a baby. About 3 weeks ago, actually. She's amazing but... There's that but. I'm finding everything to be SO hard. I'm ready for her to be bigger already so that there's more to life than feed the baby, change the baby and sleep. And sleep is elusive. Everyone says kiss your sleep goodbye and it's true. She's going through a growth spurt too so sometimes she's hungry like every hour for a few hours in a row and I'm trying to breast feed but it's not going great, I've had to supplement with formula and have had her on a bottle a lot because she doesn't latch right and my girls hurt! I had a lactation consultant come and she was helpful but once she left it was me on my own again and it's just still not working right.

The worst part I think is as a new mom, I question everything. Is she eating enough? Am I feeding her too much? Is she sleeping too long? Should I wake her to change her diaper or just get some sleep myself? Is it too cold? Is she wearing enough? What if she's too warm? It's horrible! And no one to really ask to get good answers. My mom is helpful as is my sister but they both had babies a long while ago. The pediatrician's office is there to help but even with their answers I still have to go on what I think is best in the current circumstances and I still question my judgement every time.

I'm so tired.

Yes I'm still bitching

It's true, I haven't posted in forever and my last post was bitching about my husband and so's this one. Maybe it's hormones. I'm 9 mths pregnant, just 2 weeks and 2 days out from my due date. Perhaps it's just the mass of chemicals taking over my brain, making me less tolerant and more crazy, but sometimes I just want to punch him in the face! And I'm not a violent person. I've never punched anyone in the face ever. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe the lack of punching is why I want to punch someone so badly now. I should join a boxing gym. I've often said my temper would be well served by a punching bag here at home. I stand by that.

So what did he do tonight, Miss Pregnancy Pants? I'll tell you. First he was just being really negative in general, and at one point he literally sounded exactly like his father - whom I don't always get along with. (I love his dad, he's a good man, but he and I butt heads a lot.) The older we get, the more J acts and sounds like him. Usually if I tell him he sounds just like his dad he says; I know! Argh! Or something like that. He laughs it off. He sees it, acknowledges it, and moves on. But other times he gets all butt hurt and offended. Guess which reaction I got tonight? Guess!

We made up after that, I told him I was sorry if I hurt his feelings, that I didn't intend to, just that it's so hard to have to listen to him being so negative all the time! He said he didn't think he was and I said ok, I'll start keeping a list.

I thought things were good but then... he had to get water. We don't drink the city water, pretty much no one I know in AZ does, or at least not in the Phoenix Metro area, and he likes to procrastinate when we get low on water, and he winds up having to go when he doesn't want to because he doesn't have a choice, we'll run out. I reminded him he needed to get water tonight, because it was getting late, and he said "I'll take a look." I was like - trust me, we need water. So he checks and reluctantly agrees he'll need to go.

He then picks up my canister of loose change I've been saving, starts to open it, and says, "I'm going to take $2.50 out of here." (note he doesn't ask me, he tells me he's going to take it) I said "No, don't open that!"

I tell him, it's got an electronic lid that counts the money I put in it, and if he takes money out the count will be wrong.

And he then tells me, "Well, I borrowed $2.50 for water the last time." WHAT?!!? Excuse me?

He'd asked me one other time if he could "borrow" money from it for water and I told him NO, definitely not, and I remind him of this - that I'd already told him not to take money from there. He puts the jar down and said, "Oh, well I didn't know that's why you didn't want me to use it, I thought you were just being difficult."

Seriously? I said; "Oh yes, because I really enjoy just being difficult for no reason." WTF?

I was so mad. I AM so mad. So he asks me once, I say no. The next time he just takes it and doesn't ask or tell me. Then tonight, for a 3rd time, he goes to use it again.

First of all, it's my money, and when he asked me the first time and I told him NO, he should leave it alone. Why would he think it's ok to take money out of there the next time? Without asking? And second, whether it was because I had a "good reason" or because I was "just being difficult", it doesn't matter - it's my money and I have a right to say no. And I should be able to expect that he wouldn't just take it without asking, especially after I already told him NO.

What. The. Hell. I went off.
I said; So you stole it?
"I didn't steal it. I borrowed it."
"You took it without asking me, and you haven't put it back. That's stealing." Fucker.

I know, I know - it's $2.50. But it's MY $2.50. He took it without asking. He took it when he KNEW I'd say no because he'd asked once before. He's had over a week to put it back but did not. I doubt he even remembered he took it until he went to take some more tonight. Yes, I'm mad!

UGH!
Jerk.

So mad. Want to punch something. Really need to look into that punching bag thing.

Apparently, I'm a Jerk

My husband says to me; You know how you have to turn off your electronic devices on airplanes? Well they're doing a study to show it's bullshit.

I say something along the lines of - Ok.

Him: Everyone knows it's bullshit.

Me: Um, I don't think so.

Him: It's totally not true!

Me: It's not? Did they do a study yet? I thought you said they were GOING to do a study?

Him: Just read this article.

Me: I thought they didn't do the study yet? How do you know it's bullshit? Do you have proof?

Him: No. I don't have proof.

Me: Then how can you be so sure?

Him: It's just common sense.

Me: That's not common sense. Common sense would be listening to the people in charge on the plane who tell you to turn your device off because it can interfere with the operation of the plane.

Him: Whatever.

Me: There's no proof, they haven't done the study yet. They're going to do a study, then you'll know.

Him: (muttering something)

Me: I thought you were a scientist? A realist or whatever? You don't just go around spouting facts that aren't true.

Him: You're a jerk.

Me: If by jerk you mean someone who questions what you say because you have no proof then yes, I guess I'm a jerk.

So there you have it.

I could be totally wrong. But would I want to risk it? Is my life, and all the other lives on the plane, perhaps worth more than Words with Friends or the latest Facebook update from my friend that is guaranteed just to be another picture of herself? Um, a loud, resounding yes please. Maybe it's bullshit but I don't know. And neither does he.

And if I'm wrong, great. Whatever. I don't care. My point is wait for the study, then you'll know. Until then you can have an opinion, but to utter something as a fact without proof is just ignorant. When did my husband become a Republican? (just joking on that last bit)

And another fun night at the old homestead. Yay.
-A

Sometimes life sucks so much I can barely stand living it. Sometimes the dark is so full and hopeless, I can't see an end to it. Sometimes I just want to curl up and sleep until things are better.

My husband's mom is dying. She's a wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman. Kind. Sweet. Caring. Funny. We thought she had 4-6 months, more with chemo, but it's not looking good. She isn't doing well and my FIL said J should visit her this weekend. Just to be safe. They'll pay for his plane ticket, which is so wonderful. I'm very grateful.

I will be on my own. My hubby does everything for me; makes me dinner, walks the dog 2x a day, feeds the cats, cleans the litter boxes. I'm very pregnant, some of these things I cannot do, some I just need help with. He asked if someone in my family could come help out while he's away. I called my mom.

She tells me - Oh, dear, I just told my friend I'd watch her dog for her.

Excuse me?

My husband's mom is dying. I need my mom here. Her friend's dog is apparently more important than than either of those things.

Oh, but her friend has no one else, and her friend asked her first. You know what? I have no one else either. No one else is my Mom.

If one of us, between the two of us, her friend and I, should have to find or make other plans, shouldn't it be the friend?

I told her I couldn't even talk to her right now. That I didn't know why she couldn't just tell her friend something came up. I'm sure the woman would understand, under the circumstances.

I'm family. I'm the GD pregnant daughter. I need help and my mom won't be there for me.

I can't even describe how hurt and angry I'm feeling right now. There are no words capable of encompassing these feelings.

I am undone.


Edit: My mom did call her friend, who boarded her dog for the weekend, and my mom came here to keep me company. It was very good to have her here as my mother-in-law passed away early Sunday morning. It was awful and I'm glad I wasn't alone.

In shock

I'm a bit in shock. We just got some bad news. Bad isn't even really the word for it. Horrible. Awful. Tragic.

My husband's mom has cancer. And it's stage 4. Inoperable. Barely treatable. They can do chemo and it may prolong her life a few months. Without the chemo it's something like 6-8 months, with it, she could have 10. Maybe longer. With these things, the docs can't ever really be certain.

When we were visiting she wasn't feeling well and had finally gone to the doctor. Apparently she'd been not feeling well for a while but like many people, didn't want to go to the doctor. Not that a few months would have made much difference. It's likely this has been growing for 2 years or so. She went to the doctor who ordered an ultrasound. The results came back the same day we were leaving, spots on her liver. A CT scan was scheduled.

Someone said - Could it be cancer? I don't remember who. I think it was my 11 yr old niece. I forget. We all shook our heads - No, I'm sure it's not. No... My MIL really likes to drink her wine and has indulged herself in that regard for a number of years now. She's not a drunk, she just enjoys drinking. And really, who doesn't? I do. My first thought on the ultrasound results was cirrhosis, and she said the same thing - Maybe it's cirrhosis. I said, Well that seems more likely. She chided me and I laughed, telling her I'd never had said it if she hadn't said it first. This is what I thought it was. I really, truly didn't consider cancer as an actual possibility. I should know better by now.

The CT scan results came back last week and they weren't good. The doc was saying cancer, tumors on her liver and upper stomach. An appt. was made with an oncologist.

We were still positive. Cancer can be beaten, right? We don't know anything yet, we don't even know what kind of cancer it is. We'll just wait and see. I'm sure everything will be fine.

Then the news today. And things are definitely not going to be fine.

We lost my dad in March. We had a while to prepare. We knew his time was limited and we made the most of it. I think that was helpful. I'm glad we have that for my MIL as well. At least we have some time. Time to process, to say what we want to say, do things we want to do, make the time count. I only wish we lived closer to her. She was going to be out this Winter, to get away from the cold. If she's in treatment though, I'm sure that won't be happening. She may visit, and I hope she does.

My husband was upset last week, today so far he's stoic. I haven't seen him yet, just spoke to him on the phone. He didn't want to talk about it right then and I can understand that. He's at work. I'm surprised he didn't come home but maybe he just wanted the day to seem normal. I know that feeling.

He was really sad last week thinking that Maia won't get to know her Grandma. She'll never know my dad either. I don't know what her other Grandpa is going to do. His plans were with her. They were his plans but always with her. I worry about him. I worry about my husband. I'm so sad about all of this.

If there's one thing I really hate, it's fighting about money. I hate it. I know it's a typical couples thing but it freaking sucks. It's like dirty dishes - never ending.

In my past my family has struggled with money. It's not something we really talk about and I don't know how many people know about it, but there were a lot of times that it was really hard. I was 12-13 when I remember it getting really bad, when the landlord called and told me my parents were behind on the rent and we were going to lose our home and they'd better call him back. When the creditors started calling. When I'd see my dad come home from work and just sit in the car for 20+ minutes before coming in, looking worried. When I thought my parents might actually get divorced. And when no one would really talk to me about what was going on.

My family has not been good with money and I just sort of got programmed deep down that I was never going to be like that, never going to put myself in that same situation, not if I could help it. When I found myself with more debt than I could feasibly pay for, 15 or so years ago, I got a 2nd job, and then a 3rd. I looked around for what I might be able to sell. I have worked 2 jobs pretty much ever since. When I got married I worked really hard to make sure we didn't go into debt to pay for our wedding. Afterwards, when my husband and I combined our debt, I had him get a 2nd job and we both worked to pay it off. Then in celebration, we saved for a few months and went on a trip of a lifetime - to Italy. We spent a lot of money and it didn't matter because we'd saved up for months to do just that.

Unfortunately, even with the best intentions, somehow we've found ourselves in a bit of credit card debt again. Not nearly so bad as when we were first married, but still more than I'm comfortable with. And now there's a baby on the way. And what are we going to do? I can't afford to quit my job, and we can't afford childcare. It's not worth working if I'm just paying someone to watch the baby while I work. What's the point of that? But I can't not work. I've looked at the budget, it's just not feasible. There's not only the money from my job that we'd lose but my cell phone, the reimbursement for our Internet, and most importantly my insurance.

While the baby isn't here yet and money isn't scarce, I'm in full on "we need to watch our pennies!" mode. So then I find myself arguing with my husband over stupid stuff like a small bag of trail mix. He said it was on sale. I said it still wasn't a good deal. He said he was buying it anyway. I said fine. I did point out that he could get a much bigger bag at another store and it'd be a better value. I also pointed out we already had an almost full bag of trail mix at home. Then, in line at the checkout, I threw him a box of candy I was going to pay for myself (it was expensive and not something I needed, so I didn't think it should have to come out of our grocey budget, I was willing to buy it for myself, with my allowance). I told him if we were buying him a "treat" then I should get one too, and we should pay for my candy. He didn't agree, said it was candy. I said so what, it's a treat. You got something, I should get something. He said it wasn't the same, I said it was. He said he wanted something to eat while at work, food. I said I wasn't arguing about that, just that I thought he'd made a poor choice.

Rather than pay for my candy he stalked off and put the trail mix back. I actually did not expect that. I figured I'd get my candy, he'd get his trail mix. So I bought my own candy, as I was planning to do anyhow, and he didn't get the trail mix. But after that, the drive home was depressing and the idea of dinner... I didn't want to eat his anger filled food so I asked if he could cook tomorrow and I had cereal for dinner. He went off on his own and ate out I think, I don't know. He wasn't really talking to me. Over trail mix.

I know it's so stupid. Part of me feels badly, but the other part of me is like - I didn't say he couldn't buy it, it was his choice to put it back. And it WAS expensive, for a very small amount. And if we don't start saving some money or getting some of that debt paid off before the baby gets here, we're going to have big problems. The kind of problems I promised myself I'd never have.

I know he thinks it's about the trail mix. He probably also thinks it's about control. It's not. (And he could have freaking bought the GD trail mix! Argh!) It's about trying to stick to a budget, and trying to make it work NOW so that it's something we're used to and maybe even good at by the time it actually becomes necessary. We have a budget for groceries and for going out, but we haven't actually stuck to it in probably a year. Every time I would get on his case about it he'd have all sorts of reasons why it doesn't work, why we should increase the budget rather than try to stick to it, why it didn't matter because we had the money. Well now it matters. Now it's really going to be important, and I don't want to have the bank calling because we missed a house payment, or a car payment, or have the fear of bankruptcy hanging over my head in a year because we can't learn to live within our means. I won't do it.

I just want him to be on my side. I want us to be working together towards the same goal. I want us to be a team. He just wants expensive trail mix.

There is movement!

I can't believe I haven't posted since November of last year. That's nuts. Especially with all that's been happening. I guess part of it was I thought I was going to start a new blog, but since I couldn't think of a clever title or web address I never got to actually creating it and in the meantime, life went on. There have been huge milestones and lesser huge ones, and all sorts of stuff between that didn't get recorded.

I resolve to fix that, starting today. If I feel like posting, then I will and I won't wait for the "better" blog I wanted to start. This one works just fine.

The big news is I'm pregnant. Today's big news is I've finally felt movement! Most women can feel the baby moving around between 18-22 weeks, and everyone kept asking me if I could feel her (it's a girl, btw) and I'd say, "No, not really." Dejected. Now I'm 23 weeks and as of my last ultrasound, last week, I still wasn't feeling her. Not really. I felt something, sometimes, that usually turned out to be gas. Yeah, lots of gas stirring around in this big, ol' pregnant belly.

At my ultrasound the tech asked me if I felt her moving yet and I gave her the same answer, and then she told me that my placenta was actually in the front, between the baby and I, and that lots of other women with the same deal have reported the same lack of movement. It's not me! I'm not defective! It's just the stupid placenta is in the way! That was a big relief. I felt a lot better after that.

The tech did say that I should start feeling her anytime now, and she was right. Last night - boy did I feel her. It started when I was working my PT job, between about 5-8 pm. I was sitting forward at my desk, making the space in my belly a little smaller I expect, and I could feel her thumping me behind my belly button. I was like - Woah! Hello!

Later, when watching True Blood on HBO, resting in my chair with my feet up and my hand on my belly, she was totally thumping me. Great big thumps I could feel from the outside with my hand! That was a surprise, I guess I wasn't expecting to feel that just yet; internal movement sure, but from the outside? And it was all of a sudden, like one day nothing and the next - boom! And very welcome, I will add.

When I went to bed I told J to put his hand on my belly to feel her, and of course she chose that moment to stop moving so he didn't get to feel it at all. Next time when she's going at it like crazy I won't wait, I'll make him come over and feel her because WOW.

So do babies sleep in the womb at this age? I wonder. I'll have to look it up in my book, or online. I would think so.. but I don't know how much they're aware in there at 23 weeks, or if they're aware at all. It's a strange thing to consider. I know she can hear sounds now, and see light, but just wonder how much she's actually Aware.

16 weeks and 2 days to go...

Win a signed book

Go to this blog and you could win an autographed copy of Jacqueline Carey's new book, Saints Astray.

Click here!

Post it on your blog like I did, and receive 5 extra entries!

Disappointment and TMI

I got a tweet today that the Torched Goodness gourmet food truck was going to be just a couple of miles away from me until 2:00, so I rushed over there during my lunch break and couldn't find it anywhere! They were serving a lunch cup of chili with corn souffle, and they also had creme brulee. I am kind of upset that I missed it. I did walk around with Sophie for a little bit and I bought some Macaroons from a bakery stand (mmmm!), but I wound up settling for Wendy's for lunch, which is a far cry from corn souffle and creme brulee.

Stupid food truck. If you say you'll be someplace until 2:00, you really shouldn't leave before 2:00!
(edit: just found out they didn't have the truck there, just a tent at the Farmer's Market, but they said they were there til 2:00 and I was right where they said they were, it's where I bought the macaroons, and I definitely didn't see them!)

On my way home I started to feel really funky - sort of light-headed and really shaky. I think it was either from low blood sugar, even though I ate a bowl of cereal earlier, or anxiety. I don't know what I had to be anxious about, but I'm just naturally anxious so could have been an anxiety attack. Kind of felt like one. That's the weird thing about anxiety; sometimes it seems to manifest for what seems like no reason at all. One of the first times I experienced physical symptoms of anxiety I wasn't doing anything at all. It was a Sunday morning, I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and suddenly my heart was racing. I went to the ER because it really freaked me out, and there was nothing wrong with me. Or at least nothing wrong with my heart.

Another time it was late and I was on the computer, I couldn't sleep so I had gotten up and was checking email or something, when suddenly I felt dizzy, sweaty but cold, and nauseated. I also suddenly couldn't move my hands. I thought I was having a stroke or something, and what did I do? Went on Webmd.com and typed in my symptoms, even though I could barely move my hands, to look up what might be happening to me. I couldn't find much that was helpful so the next day, since I didn't die in my sleep, I went to Urgent Care and was told it was Anxiety.

The doctor there gave me a list of symptoms and suddenly so many things made sense. I felt like someone was shining a light down on me and angels were singing; it was an epiphany. The listed symptoms were like a description of me, of things I'd experienced my entire life, and I couldn't believe that I hadn't been diagnosed much sooner.

I haven't had any issues with my anxiety in a while, I don't even remember the last time I had an anxiety attack, but it has been a bit crazy lately so I'm not really surprised. We've had to move all our stuff downstairs in order to have workers install our bamboo flooring upstairs. The clutter alone is making me nuts. Then there's the cost - way more than I'd like (though definitely worth it). Still, it's stressful spending all that money on the floors when I feel like we should pay off the credit cards, which are full of vet bills and our trip to Colorado and other such stuff. Then lastly there's my dad, who has been so ill for the last couple of years and whose health is just declining more and more. Not only is he having health issues, but he's so unhappy. It's just a lot to deal with.

Sometimes I just want to check-out and go into stasis. Put me in a tank in a medically induced coma and leave me there a couple of weeks. Hook up an IV for nutrients and something for waste products. Pull me out and maybe not only will I be refreshed, but I might also be skinny! That would be awesome.

Maybe I'll start a business. The Stasis Store. Anyone want in?

The sad state of Arizona

Everyone in the nation has heard by now, I'm sure, about the shooting incident in Tucson, Arizona that left 6 dead and many others wounded, including Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. She was shot in the head and has miraculously survived thus far. Her doctors are, we're told, optimistic about her recovery.

Out of the 6 people who died, one was a little girl. This is so tragic. I can't imagine what her family is going through. It just makes me sad.

The young man who shot the Congresswoman and the others there apparently suffers from mental illness. I'm not surprised. I think to be able to shoot someone in the head and then fire into a crowd of people is a symptom of some sort of mental illness. There's obviously something wrong with you mentally if you can do that. That's not to say this person should be excused or pardoned for his behavior, but certainly it is not normal behavior.

Now there's a lot of political talk going on now, with a lot of finger-pointing and blaming and posturing. Sometimes it makes me just want to move and live somewhere else. Canada. Or Sweden. Or Italy! A nice villa in Umbria with a red door and flowers on the patio. That'd be nice.

-A

Ben Does Life blog

My friend just posted a photo of herself with Ben, who has a blog at:
www.bendoeslife.com

I didn't know who Ben was so I checked out his blog, and then watched his video on YouTube, here:


A great way to start the new year. Get inspired.

-Amy

I'm like a psychic. I should charge money.

On November 5th I posted about my favorite ex-boyfriend and how I dreamed he wanted my help picking out an engagement ring for his recent girlfriend. Something in me just knew that this was going to happen, and it did. They got engaged over the holidays and announced it today.

I'm very happy for them, truly, and I'm glad my subconscious prepared me for this or I think I might be a little sad too, and I'm not. I've already had time to get used to the idea and I'm feeling nothing but joy for them. Ok, maybe I'm feeling a tiny bit of something that's not joy but I can't even determine what it is exactly so let's just brush it aside and not talk about it. ;)

I had heard that someone else would be getting engaged over the holidays but I haven't seen any announcements so perhaps that didn't happen. I'll have to ask some mutual people what the scoop is. Holiday engagements are nice but kind of predictable, and cheesy, IMO. I like more spontaneity myself, though my engagement was anything but. My husband pretty much asked me without a ring, it wasn't even really a proper ask, and then we were off and planning the wedding before I ever got it. I kept teasing him I could call it off at any time because we weren't official until he actually truly asked me, with ring in hand. I picked out the ring and the diamond, he wanted me to, so that wasn't a surprise. And then he picked it up and I knew he had it so that wasn't a surprise either. So when he said we were going away for the weekend, I knew he was going to officially ask me, the only thing I didn't know for sure was where we were going.

Turned out we were going to Flagstaff where we stayed in a Bed & Breakfast, and he pretty much proposed as soon as we got checked in and brought our stuff to our room. I said yes, of course.

We had a fabulous weekend. We went out for drinks and live music and met up with a nice lesbian couple who hooked us up with a free plane ride over the Grand Canyon the next day (one of them worked there). It was pretty cool, except that John gets seasick and being in a small plane in the canyon feels very much like being in a small boat on the ocean. He threw up almost the entire time. Oops. At least we learned something. John needs Dramamine if he's going to be in a small plane and we love lesbians. But really, who doesn't? ;)

We'll be drinking white wine in the sun...

Happy Holidays - again.  With my new favorite Christmas (or non-Christmas) song.  Thanks to my friend Meredith for showing this to me.  I so love it.

Happy Holidays!

I hope I know what I'm doing. By that, I mean I hope I've successfully embedded the above video.

Happy Holidays!
-A

Random musings (and a Top Chef All Stars spoiler)

It's getting late, I'm watching Top Chef: All Stars and will soon be going to bed, but not until I know who was eliminated tonight.

Wow - now I'm watching the end of the show and Jen really goes off about her dish!  Phew, go Jen!  She's so crazy.  Yelling at the judges may not be the best way to go.  I do have big respect for Tom now, for saying he didn't mind the back talk, that if someone is going home it'll be for a bad dish, not for talking back to the judges. 

Tiffani (the red-haired one) was such a bitch in her season, Season 1, and I didn't like her at all.  This season she seems much softer, nicer.  I kind of like her.  But Tiffany is actually my favorite.  For now.   I just loved her in the last (most recent) season, but I also adore Spike.  He's such a character.  Those two are my favorites and the ones I hope make it into the Finals.  We'll see.  What is Bravo's mantra these days?  "Watch what happens!"  And so I will.

I totally love this show.  I try not to watch too much reality TV but this show is great.  Maybe it's because I love food, or because my dad is a Chef, but I just find it fascinating.  Also, I am not a cook.  I love to bake but cooking is not my thing.  When I watch these chefs create amazing dishes with all the restrictions they're given, it just floors me. 

And the verdict... Holy crap - I can't believe they sent Jen home!  I guess that'll teach the contestants not to talk back to the judges.  Not cool Top Chef.  I have to say I'm a little disappointed.  Of course, I didn't taste her dish so really, I can't say whether she actually deserved to go home or not, but it doesn't look good.  That's for sure.

Coming next week, Tiffani says: I should not have frozen my melons.

Is it just me or does that sound dirty?

Amy