Baby blues

Last month I had a baby. About 3 weeks ago, actually. She's amazing but... There's that but. I'm finding everything to be SO hard. I'm ready for her to be bigger already so that there's more to life than feed the baby, change the baby and sleep. And sleep is elusive. Everyone says kiss your sleep goodbye and it's true. She's going through a growth spurt too so sometimes she's hungry like every hour for a few hours in a row and I'm trying to breast feed but it's not going great, I've had to supplement with formula and have had her on a bottle a lot because she doesn't latch right and my girls hurt! I had a lactation consultant come and she was helpful but once she left it was me on my own again and it's just still not working right.

The worst part I think is as a new mom, I question everything. Is she eating enough? Am I feeding her too much? Is she sleeping too long? Should I wake her to change her diaper or just get some sleep myself? Is it too cold? Is she wearing enough? What if she's too warm? It's horrible! And no one to really ask to get good answers. My mom is helpful as is my sister but they both had babies a long while ago. The pediatrician's office is there to help but even with their answers I still have to go on what I think is best in the current circumstances and I still question my judgement every time.

I'm so tired.

Yes I'm still bitching

It's true, I haven't posted in forever and my last post was bitching about my husband and so's this one. Maybe it's hormones. I'm 9 mths pregnant, just 2 weeks and 2 days out from my due date. Perhaps it's just the mass of chemicals taking over my brain, making me less tolerant and more crazy, but sometimes I just want to punch him in the face! And I'm not a violent person. I've never punched anyone in the face ever. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe the lack of punching is why I want to punch someone so badly now. I should join a boxing gym. I've often said my temper would be well served by a punching bag here at home. I stand by that.

So what did he do tonight, Miss Pregnancy Pants? I'll tell you. First he was just being really negative in general, and at one point he literally sounded exactly like his father - whom I don't always get along with. (I love his dad, he's a good man, but he and I butt heads a lot.) The older we get, the more J acts and sounds like him. Usually if I tell him he sounds just like his dad he says; I know! Argh! Or something like that. He laughs it off. He sees it, acknowledges it, and moves on. But other times he gets all butt hurt and offended. Guess which reaction I got tonight? Guess!

We made up after that, I told him I was sorry if I hurt his feelings, that I didn't intend to, just that it's so hard to have to listen to him being so negative all the time! He said he didn't think he was and I said ok, I'll start keeping a list.

I thought things were good but then... he had to get water. We don't drink the city water, pretty much no one I know in AZ does, or at least not in the Phoenix Metro area, and he likes to procrastinate when we get low on water, and he winds up having to go when he doesn't want to because he doesn't have a choice, we'll run out. I reminded him he needed to get water tonight, because it was getting late, and he said "I'll take a look." I was like - trust me, we need water. So he checks and reluctantly agrees he'll need to go.

He then picks up my canister of loose change I've been saving, starts to open it, and says, "I'm going to take $2.50 out of here." (note he doesn't ask me, he tells me he's going to take it) I said "No, don't open that!"

I tell him, it's got an electronic lid that counts the money I put in it, and if he takes money out the count will be wrong.

And he then tells me, "Well, I borrowed $2.50 for water the last time." WHAT?!!? Excuse me?

He'd asked me one other time if he could "borrow" money from it for water and I told him NO, definitely not, and I remind him of this - that I'd already told him not to take money from there. He puts the jar down and said, "Oh, well I didn't know that's why you didn't want me to use it, I thought you were just being difficult."

Seriously? I said; "Oh yes, because I really enjoy just being difficult for no reason." WTF?

I was so mad. I AM so mad. So he asks me once, I say no. The next time he just takes it and doesn't ask or tell me. Then tonight, for a 3rd time, he goes to use it again.

First of all, it's my money, and when he asked me the first time and I told him NO, he should leave it alone. Why would he think it's ok to take money out of there the next time? Without asking? And second, whether it was because I had a "good reason" or because I was "just being difficult", it doesn't matter - it's my money and I have a right to say no. And I should be able to expect that he wouldn't just take it without asking, especially after I already told him NO.

What. The. Hell. I went off.
I said; So you stole it?
"I didn't steal it. I borrowed it."
"You took it without asking me, and you haven't put it back. That's stealing." Fucker.

I know, I know - it's $2.50. But it's MY $2.50. He took it without asking. He took it when he KNEW I'd say no because he'd asked once before. He's had over a week to put it back but did not. I doubt he even remembered he took it until he went to take some more tonight. Yes, I'm mad!

UGH!
Jerk.

So mad. Want to punch something. Really need to look into that punching bag thing.

Apparently, I'm a Jerk

My husband says to me; You know how you have to turn off your electronic devices on airplanes? Well they're doing a study to show it's bullshit.

I say something along the lines of - Ok.

Him: Everyone knows it's bullshit.

Me: Um, I don't think so.

Him: It's totally not true!

Me: It's not? Did they do a study yet? I thought you said they were GOING to do a study?

Him: Just read this article.

Me: I thought they didn't do the study yet? How do you know it's bullshit? Do you have proof?

Him: No. I don't have proof.

Me: Then how can you be so sure?

Him: It's just common sense.

Me: That's not common sense. Common sense would be listening to the people in charge on the plane who tell you to turn your device off because it can interfere with the operation of the plane.

Him: Whatever.

Me: There's no proof, they haven't done the study yet. They're going to do a study, then you'll know.

Him: (muttering something)

Me: I thought you were a scientist? A realist or whatever? You don't just go around spouting facts that aren't true.

Him: You're a jerk.

Me: If by jerk you mean someone who questions what you say because you have no proof then yes, I guess I'm a jerk.

So there you have it.

I could be totally wrong. But would I want to risk it? Is my life, and all the other lives on the plane, perhaps worth more than Words with Friends or the latest Facebook update from my friend that is guaranteed just to be another picture of herself? Um, a loud, resounding yes please. Maybe it's bullshit but I don't know. And neither does he.

And if I'm wrong, great. Whatever. I don't care. My point is wait for the study, then you'll know. Until then you can have an opinion, but to utter something as a fact without proof is just ignorant. When did my husband become a Republican? (just joking on that last bit)

And another fun night at the old homestead. Yay.
-A

Sometimes life sucks so much I can barely stand living it. Sometimes the dark is so full and hopeless, I can't see an end to it. Sometimes I just want to curl up and sleep until things are better.

My husband's mom is dying. She's a wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman. Kind. Sweet. Caring. Funny. We thought she had 4-6 months, more with chemo, but it's not looking good. She isn't doing well and my FIL said J should visit her this weekend. Just to be safe. They'll pay for his plane ticket, which is so wonderful. I'm very grateful.

I will be on my own. My hubby does everything for me; makes me dinner, walks the dog 2x a day, feeds the cats, cleans the litter boxes. I'm very pregnant, some of these things I cannot do, some I just need help with. He asked if someone in my family could come help out while he's away. I called my mom.

She tells me - Oh, dear, I just told my friend I'd watch her dog for her.

Excuse me?

My husband's mom is dying. I need my mom here. Her friend's dog is apparently more important than than either of those things.

Oh, but her friend has no one else, and her friend asked her first. You know what? I have no one else either. No one else is my Mom.

If one of us, between the two of us, her friend and I, should have to find or make other plans, shouldn't it be the friend?

I told her I couldn't even talk to her right now. That I didn't know why she couldn't just tell her friend something came up. I'm sure the woman would understand, under the circumstances.

I'm family. I'm the GD pregnant daughter. I need help and my mom won't be there for me.

I can't even describe how hurt and angry I'm feeling right now. There are no words capable of encompassing these feelings.

I am undone.


Edit: My mom did call her friend, who boarded her dog for the weekend, and my mom came here to keep me company. It was very good to have her here as my mother-in-law passed away early Sunday morning. It was awful and I'm glad I wasn't alone.

In shock

I'm a bit in shock. We just got some bad news. Bad isn't even really the word for it. Horrible. Awful. Tragic.

My husband's mom has cancer. And it's stage 4. Inoperable. Barely treatable. They can do chemo and it may prolong her life a few months. Without the chemo it's something like 6-8 months, with it, she could have 10. Maybe longer. With these things, the docs can't ever really be certain.

When we were visiting she wasn't feeling well and had finally gone to the doctor. Apparently she'd been not feeling well for a while but like many people, didn't want to go to the doctor. Not that a few months would have made much difference. It's likely this has been growing for 2 years or so. She went to the doctor who ordered an ultrasound. The results came back the same day we were leaving, spots on her liver. A CT scan was scheduled.

Someone said - Could it be cancer? I don't remember who. I think it was my 11 yr old niece. I forget. We all shook our heads - No, I'm sure it's not. No... My MIL really likes to drink her wine and has indulged herself in that regard for a number of years now. She's not a drunk, she just enjoys drinking. And really, who doesn't? I do. My first thought on the ultrasound results was cirrhosis, and she said the same thing - Maybe it's cirrhosis. I said, Well that seems more likely. She chided me and I laughed, telling her I'd never had said it if she hadn't said it first. This is what I thought it was. I really, truly didn't consider cancer as an actual possibility. I should know better by now.

The CT scan results came back last week and they weren't good. The doc was saying cancer, tumors on her liver and upper stomach. An appt. was made with an oncologist.

We were still positive. Cancer can be beaten, right? We don't know anything yet, we don't even know what kind of cancer it is. We'll just wait and see. I'm sure everything will be fine.

Then the news today. And things are definitely not going to be fine.

We lost my dad in March. We had a while to prepare. We knew his time was limited and we made the most of it. I think that was helpful. I'm glad we have that for my MIL as well. At least we have some time. Time to process, to say what we want to say, do things we want to do, make the time count. I only wish we lived closer to her. She was going to be out this Winter, to get away from the cold. If she's in treatment though, I'm sure that won't be happening. She may visit, and I hope she does.

My husband was upset last week, today so far he's stoic. I haven't seen him yet, just spoke to him on the phone. He didn't want to talk about it right then and I can understand that. He's at work. I'm surprised he didn't come home but maybe he just wanted the day to seem normal. I know that feeling.

He was really sad last week thinking that Maia won't get to know her Grandma. She'll never know my dad either. I don't know what her other Grandpa is going to do. His plans were with her. They were his plans but always with her. I worry about him. I worry about my husband. I'm so sad about all of this.

If there's one thing I really hate, it's fighting about money. I hate it. I know it's a typical couples thing but it freaking sucks. It's like dirty dishes - never ending.

In my past my family has struggled with money. It's not something we really talk about and I don't know how many people know about it, but there were a lot of times that it was really hard. I was 12-13 when I remember it getting really bad, when the landlord called and told me my parents were behind on the rent and we were going to lose our home and they'd better call him back. When the creditors started calling. When I'd see my dad come home from work and just sit in the car for 20+ minutes before coming in, looking worried. When I thought my parents might actually get divorced. And when no one would really talk to me about what was going on.

My family has not been good with money and I just sort of got programmed deep down that I was never going to be like that, never going to put myself in that same situation, not if I could help it. When I found myself with more debt than I could feasibly pay for, 15 or so years ago, I got a 2nd job, and then a 3rd. I looked around for what I might be able to sell. I have worked 2 jobs pretty much ever since. When I got married I worked really hard to make sure we didn't go into debt to pay for our wedding. Afterwards, when my husband and I combined our debt, I had him get a 2nd job and we both worked to pay it off. Then in celebration, we saved for a few months and went on a trip of a lifetime - to Italy. We spent a lot of money and it didn't matter because we'd saved up for months to do just that.

Unfortunately, even with the best intentions, somehow we've found ourselves in a bit of credit card debt again. Not nearly so bad as when we were first married, but still more than I'm comfortable with. And now there's a baby on the way. And what are we going to do? I can't afford to quit my job, and we can't afford childcare. It's not worth working if I'm just paying someone to watch the baby while I work. What's the point of that? But I can't not work. I've looked at the budget, it's just not feasible. There's not only the money from my job that we'd lose but my cell phone, the reimbursement for our Internet, and most importantly my insurance.

While the baby isn't here yet and money isn't scarce, I'm in full on "we need to watch our pennies!" mode. So then I find myself arguing with my husband over stupid stuff like a small bag of trail mix. He said it was on sale. I said it still wasn't a good deal. He said he was buying it anyway. I said fine. I did point out that he could get a much bigger bag at another store and it'd be a better value. I also pointed out we already had an almost full bag of trail mix at home. Then, in line at the checkout, I threw him a box of candy I was going to pay for myself (it was expensive and not something I needed, so I didn't think it should have to come out of our grocey budget, I was willing to buy it for myself, with my allowance). I told him if we were buying him a "treat" then I should get one too, and we should pay for my candy. He didn't agree, said it was candy. I said so what, it's a treat. You got something, I should get something. He said it wasn't the same, I said it was. He said he wanted something to eat while at work, food. I said I wasn't arguing about that, just that I thought he'd made a poor choice.

Rather than pay for my candy he stalked off and put the trail mix back. I actually did not expect that. I figured I'd get my candy, he'd get his trail mix. So I bought my own candy, as I was planning to do anyhow, and he didn't get the trail mix. But after that, the drive home was depressing and the idea of dinner... I didn't want to eat his anger filled food so I asked if he could cook tomorrow and I had cereal for dinner. He went off on his own and ate out I think, I don't know. He wasn't really talking to me. Over trail mix.

I know it's so stupid. Part of me feels badly, but the other part of me is like - I didn't say he couldn't buy it, it was his choice to put it back. And it WAS expensive, for a very small amount. And if we don't start saving some money or getting some of that debt paid off before the baby gets here, we're going to have big problems. The kind of problems I promised myself I'd never have.

I know he thinks it's about the trail mix. He probably also thinks it's about control. It's not. (And he could have freaking bought the GD trail mix! Argh!) It's about trying to stick to a budget, and trying to make it work NOW so that it's something we're used to and maybe even good at by the time it actually becomes necessary. We have a budget for groceries and for going out, but we haven't actually stuck to it in probably a year. Every time I would get on his case about it he'd have all sorts of reasons why it doesn't work, why we should increase the budget rather than try to stick to it, why it didn't matter because we had the money. Well now it matters. Now it's really going to be important, and I don't want to have the bank calling because we missed a house payment, or a car payment, or have the fear of bankruptcy hanging over my head in a year because we can't learn to live within our means. I won't do it.

I just want him to be on my side. I want us to be working together towards the same goal. I want us to be a team. He just wants expensive trail mix.

There is movement!

I can't believe I haven't posted since November of last year. That's nuts. Especially with all that's been happening. I guess part of it was I thought I was going to start a new blog, but since I couldn't think of a clever title or web address I never got to actually creating it and in the meantime, life went on. There have been huge milestones and lesser huge ones, and all sorts of stuff between that didn't get recorded.

I resolve to fix that, starting today. If I feel like posting, then I will and I won't wait for the "better" blog I wanted to start. This one works just fine.

The big news is I'm pregnant. Today's big news is I've finally felt movement! Most women can feel the baby moving around between 18-22 weeks, and everyone kept asking me if I could feel her (it's a girl, btw) and I'd say, "No, not really." Dejected. Now I'm 23 weeks and as of my last ultrasound, last week, I still wasn't feeling her. Not really. I felt something, sometimes, that usually turned out to be gas. Yeah, lots of gas stirring around in this big, ol' pregnant belly.

At my ultrasound the tech asked me if I felt her moving yet and I gave her the same answer, and then she told me that my placenta was actually in the front, between the baby and I, and that lots of other women with the same deal have reported the same lack of movement. It's not me! I'm not defective! It's just the stupid placenta is in the way! That was a big relief. I felt a lot better after that.

The tech did say that I should start feeling her anytime now, and she was right. Last night - boy did I feel her. It started when I was working my PT job, between about 5-8 pm. I was sitting forward at my desk, making the space in my belly a little smaller I expect, and I could feel her thumping me behind my belly button. I was like - Woah! Hello!

Later, when watching True Blood on HBO, resting in my chair with my feet up and my hand on my belly, she was totally thumping me. Great big thumps I could feel from the outside with my hand! That was a surprise, I guess I wasn't expecting to feel that just yet; internal movement sure, but from the outside? And it was all of a sudden, like one day nothing and the next - boom! And very welcome, I will add.

When I went to bed I told J to put his hand on my belly to feel her, and of course she chose that moment to stop moving so he didn't get to feel it at all. Next time when she's going at it like crazy I won't wait, I'll make him come over and feel her because WOW.

So do babies sleep in the womb at this age? I wonder. I'll have to look it up in my book, or online. I would think so.. but I don't know how much they're aware in there at 23 weeks, or if they're aware at all. It's a strange thing to consider. I know she can hear sounds now, and see light, but just wonder how much she's actually Aware.

16 weeks and 2 days to go...